Calcutta

On to Calcutta up the north of India, visited Bangalore and Chennia (Madras) on the way but they were boring and we only were there to catch trains. Got a 35 hour train from Chennia to Calcutta, wasn't so bad for me as I slept about 24hours of it.

Calcutta is known for being the shit hole of the world, world renowned for being full of beggars and dying people thanks to Mother Teresa and her crones, a fact the people who live in Calcutta are quite pissed off about.

We found it to be very nice, the food was super cheap (ever had dinner for 15cent?)

This place did great fried rice and I never got sick,

This is the street with all the cheap food.

And there was a really metropolitan main street where there was a coffee shop that sold the best cakes in all of India.

Chocolate Mud Cake!!!

You can;t imagine how bad I needed this,

Of course there was alot of poverty, a whole lot, houses made of bin bags as far as you can see, early in the morning seeing the footpaths covered with sprawled out homeless people sleeping away right next to the noisiest horn honking traffic on the earth kinda poverty. Very upsetting to see.

On a brighter note went to a restaurant with a creepy as fuck place mat, the place was called "Peter Cat" and the picture reminded me of this book I had as a kid that was all about this abandoned spooky house on a hilltop that had a scary black cat in every picture.

I ordered a banana split and got a bowl with sliced banana (not split like the name would infer) two wafers that were as thick as my arm, horrible ice cream and......Strawberry Jam?????? Loads of it! What the hell is that about?

The waiter was also a freak, after giving us our change he stood at the edge of our table and wouldn't go away till we gave him a tip, and then he started sighing loudly because we finishing up our drinks in no hurry and he was trying to close up the place, but there were three other Indian tables who were still eating so it didn't make any sense at all, he weirded the crap out of us.

Nearly everyday we would walk to the bus stop really early through this wonderful market, it was an incredible array of sights and sounds.

Everywhere would be people surrounding water pumps having their morning wash.

We took this photo from far away so as not to seem pervy, but there were no bums on show (men all wash while wearing a sort of loin cloth thing, no body is ever naked in India at anytime, except in the sexy carvings) and certainly no women, women are forbidden too wash were they can been seen by anyone, in some parts it is forbidden for them to wash or go to the toilet in daylight hours!!!!

Then there was taxi washing street,

When you went by before 7 you got covered in mud on your legs from them enthusiasticly washing their taxi's, everyday they washed their 30year old taxi's made from the shittiest steel known to man and they wonder why their cars are rusting to pieces.

Then past the vegetable stalls and hole-in-the-wall "resturants" selling chapati's and chai (a very sweet tea made from spices and milk that you can buy everywhere in India) to the Butchers where they sell all kinds of meat including beef, even though it is strictly forbidden by the Hindu religion there seemed to be no shortage of customers.

Then by the sacred cow himself.

And finally to the bus stop!

Check out the stylish leather bumbag, I told her I wouldn't talk to her if she wore it but what can you do when your fake wife (we tell everyone we are married to avoid the shocked looks and lectures) defies you.

The buses were packed but I have been on more packed 15B's,

The buses have a woman's only seating.

This is the road we stayed on.

The Communist paintings on the walls came free.

Cailín went to see an astrologer who used the latest in some shit computer programs downloaded off the internet to tell her fortune.

Cailín was handed a piece of paper in a folder after divulging all her details regarding her birth, day, date, time, sex etc. which had her fortune printed on it, it made several predictions.

Prediction 1: That Cailín was a heavy set man, with stout physique and broad shoulders

Prediction 2: Uncontrolable character

Prediction 3: may suffer from contractions, constrictions and constipation

Prediction 4: Vunerable area's are cervix and prostate gland (Hermaphrodite?)

Prediction 5: May have some connections with the prison house, old age homes, orphanages and asylums etc.

Prediction 6: In your chart most of the planets are situated in fixed signs which indicates that you will seldom require long distance travelling.

Prediction 7: The favourable lines for you will be opticals and ophthalmics, bedding materials and prophylactics, investigative agencies etc. (sounds like a wild night)

Also he may have been a vampire because he doesn't show up in photo's!!!!

Went to visit the memorial to Queen Victoria I, it was quiet which made a change for India.

A statue of the ugly weapon herself,

You've got to think, all royal artists are always going to be a flattering in their depiction of Kings and Queens for fear of having their heads chopped off, so if she is 5ft wide with a face like a bulldog in the statue, what must she have been like in real life?

A group of lads from Bangladesh came over while we were sitting down and asked if they could take a photo with us, we said ok thinking "one quick group photo and they will be on their way" but after the group photo came the individual shots, like it was their first communion or something. We should have charged.

Everyday a herd of goats was shepherded down our road,we finally got a photo of them on our last day there.

Found a place that did excellent Mr.Whippies, Dad you would have loved it, they did pizza's with real olives and everything.

We were there for St.Patrick's day and managed to hook up with two other mad Irish ones, Elaine and Brian. Turns out Brian lives about fifty metres from Cailín's house, its a very small world.

Cailín went knacker drinking with them in a park while I necked a load of anti diarrhoea meds back in the room. They were hoping to see the sun set but they were foiled by smog.

I eventually caught up with them in a pub, I came prepared with Ko Phangan drinking headbands.

We used our back-up Holi coloured powder to get all Paddy'ed up with shamrocks on our heads, Elaine did mine and Cailín's which were excellent for someone with a few pints in them,

While Brian did Elaine's and I'm not sure he's ever actually seen a shamrock,

I swear that was funny in my head but re-reading it its woeful, I'm truly sorry...

As penance here is a stupid photo of me with some very friendly Japanese.

Calcutta was full of friendly Jap's,

(Spell check is underlining Jap's, how dare it attempt to censor my racism)

Some British got in on the festivities, St.Patrick would approve him being Welsh I believe.

And some Canadians,

Took a few swigs of €2 whiskey and hit the road.

Man I look like a fucking tool,

An old lady asked me for money and ended up being accosted until she let me "Paddy" here,

Cailín bought a group of kids a bag of Fox's Glaciers, they were probably up to five in the morning sucking on those, I'm sure their parents were delighted.

The rest of the night was predictably quite shite, (why are the pre-drinks always better than the main event?) and involved an empty club and a band setting up gear for two hours so they could do nothing.

But we did get home late enough so that no one was around to stop me playing with the water pump that everyone uses for everything from washing in the morning to cleaning the dishes of the nearby restaurants.

Ever the enthusiastic tourists everyone kept saying they had gone to visit some bridge and we ended up not going, mainly because I've seen about a thousand bridges on this trip, unless it has a loop the loop in the middle you can count me out. But when we were in the taxi to the train station we crossed a bridge so Cailín took a photo out the window of it. So this bridge might be significant in some way but probably not,

Mysore

From Hampi we travelled to Mysore

Got great food on the train, the trains always have amazing food.

Byriani's and Thali's, Chiapati's, delicious onion biscuits made with gram flour and a a tasty mixture of rice crispies, carrot, chillies and lemon juice that is served in a newspaper cone.

Yummy,

The reason for the visit to Mysore was to visit the Royal Palace which is lit up with thousands of lights every weekend for a few hours, it was very romantic.

It happened to be the festival called "Holi" or "The Festival of Colours" when we visited. Its a festival where everyone throws coloured powder and water at each other.

We went looking for a fight in a local flower market but found nothing, only a few people who were streaked with colour.

Including this chap who was attacked by his friends and Holi'ed.

He doesn't look too happy,

This Holi'ed chap looks happier, Cailín got him with a "drive by shoot by" photo

Went to a kick ass Railway Museum,

They let you mess with everything. I think it was just the typical Indian thing of just not giving a shit if you broke shit rather than being cool,

There was even a working signal box that were no signs on saying don't fuck with it so I fucked with it till all my childhood fantasies were worked right out of my system.

The childhood theme continued to the nearby slide.

We were even forced into the Kings personal carriage past "No Entry" signs by two of the museum caretakers, white skin and disappointingly small bribes will get you everywhere in India.

From Mysore Ass

Cailín got all "Back to the Future 3"

And then all Buster Keating.

Fancy Hotel gave us free toiletries, including my very own "Oval-D" toothbrush!

Cailín had a small accident in Mysore, it was very funny. Despite many warnings that if she wasn't more careful with them this exact accident was bound to happen, Cailín sat on her nail scissors......it was hillarious but no doubt very painful. They didn't go too deep but deep enough so when she sat up they stayed in her, just hanging there, mocking her. Then like some modern day Braveheart she grabbed it and pulled it out like it was an arrow shot by some bloody Englishman.

So with my four years college training and two years practical experience as a nurse I laughed as hard as I could and looked for some gauze in the first aid bag to applied pressure with.

Cailín survived with a 1cm deep hole in her bottom and had to sit with a lean for a few days. I on the other hand had to put up with an arse being shoved in my face twice or three times a day accompanied by the question "Is it better yet?", delightful. That coupled with the fact that I had to tape bin bags to her arse every day to stop the dressing I had on if from getting wet, meant that as usual I paid for her mistake more than she did, hahaha.

Booked a train ticket to Bangalore at the train station, by mistake we booked an unreserved seat, which in India means, if you push enough old women out of your way you will get a seat.

Luckily my beautiful Cailín attracted the attention of two curious men on the station platform who came over and struck up a conversation with us (normal stuff like, where you from?, you like India? how many children do you have?, and the like)

When the train arrived we were amazed by how the calm crowd became suddenly violent, with everyone pushing to get in the carriage doors, pushing children and belongings through windows to "bagsey" seats. They wouldn't even let people off the train in their hurry, shouting, cursing and probably biting broke out everywhere. With our big bags we decided that the only way we were getting on that train was if we trampled a few elderly couples, its hard enough to squeeze our huge bags through the small doors in normal circumstances. But then out of a train window came shouts and a franticly waving hand!

One of the men we had been talking to on the platform had not only saved the "Whities" a seat each but also places for us to put our bags!!!!

He must secretly be a vicious cage fighter because that crowd was the craziest I have ever seen.

Turns out he was a Ph.D. student studying chillies, a very nice chap who translated for us as we talked to him and everyone else in the carriage for the next six hours.

(The couple sitting across from us, they had just been to a wedding, check out the bling. Indians love showing off.)

We covered the whole gamete, money, marriage, work, food, college, travelling, India, weather and everything in between. At one point while discussing jewellery (Indian women wear alot of gold, partial to protect themselves financially in case of divorce, illlness etc.) Cailín said she liked a ring that a young girl across from us had bought, so the young girl gave it to her, Cailín tried and tried to say no or even buy it off her but our friend in the white shirt said that that would be considered rude and that we had to accept. Cailín even tried returning the gesture by giving the girl some of her jewellery or make-up but with brutal Indian honesty the girl said she didn't like any of it! Classic,

They even bought us food from every food vendor that happened to pass, including Guava fruit with chilli powder and salt on it, imagine an apple that doesn't taste in anyway nice, like eating polystyrene and the cover it with salt!! and then hot chilli powder, it was so awful my eyes were tearing but I managed to choke it down slowly.

Gratuitous modelling shot so Cailín doesn't give out to me about there not being any photo's of her in here.